You’ve probably ended up here hoping to find a blog about how lusciously hairy Russell Brand is or how stupendously funny Jo Brand is. Well let me tell you, we’ll start as we mean to go on and disappoint you immediately. It is about none of those eclectic Brands or in fact any other famous person lucky to have the wonderful Brand surname.
The word ‘brand’ is important though, this blog is a comedic nod towards everyday brands/products and brands/products we all see in our daily lives. You might find it funny, you might find it ridiculously stupid or self-indulgent and to be quite frank, neither of us care one little fucking bit. We write this because we enjoy it and because it makes us laugh, I’ve lost count on the number of car journeys we’ve been on and wittered away the hours by discussing this idea.
Firstly who are we? There is Neil Egerton, a 33 year old from Northampton who is basically Mr Northampton. He supports the local football club, loves the town and won’t hear a bad word said about it. He enjoys eating toast, admiring goats, having hot bubble baths (without a toy boat because he is comfortable with his sexuality) and his fantasy dinner party would be attended by David Beckham, goats, the mayor of Northampton, Homer Simpson and Yasser Arafat. Neil is a twat.
Secondly we have Polly Scott, she is a 28 year old from Northampton. Polly doesn’t love Northampton and there are strong rumours she is planning a coup of some sort. She enjoys tea, tea, and more tea. She also has a strange obsession with reality television. Her fantasy dinner party would be attended by puffins, dogs, Britney Spears and a drag queen or ten. She is also a twat.
You’ll probably want to know what the blog is about I’d imagine so here you go, a whistle stop tour of the premise of this blog and how it came about.
We were on a wonderful day out in the salubrious city of Oxford taking in some of the local culture, well actually that isn’t entirely true – we’d been to Pizza Hut and a big make up shop called MAC.
As we were driving out of Oxford we saw a man in a full on three piece suit, riding his bicycle and carrying a plastic bag from a popular supermarket. What is the relevance of this I hear you ask?
As we drove past this chap we both immediately said “wanker”. What made us do it? Who knows!
After a few minutes of discussion we agreed that it was because he had a plastic bag from that well known supermarket. So what? Well, he was clearly trying to give the air of someone who lives and breaths the Oxford lifestlye, riding a bike everywhere, wearing a nice suit, wavy locks of hair that screamed “toff” at everyone. The problem we had was that the plastic bag ruined the image and then it got us thinking that perhaps the man was a fake and an imposter to that lifestyle.
This conversation then snowballed into us discussing different brands and we had a sudden, wonderful thought;
'What if brands were people?'
We came up with hundreds and had a great time doing it, we promised ourselves we’d turn it into a blog and put our thoughts down in writing. We didn’t get around to it at all and wrote it off as another one of our hair brained schemes that fell by the wayside – a few examples of these sort of schemes are when we bought a Tamagotchi from ebay to relive our youth and then after 5 minutes of playing with it we realised it was utter shit. Six months ago we bought a 1000 piece puzzle from Hamleys because we thought it would be a relaxing thing to do, we’ve not even opened the puzzle. You get the idea.
Now we are finally following through on one of our schemes and you lucky people get to read our complete nonsense! Before we give you a sneak preview of our first proper blog post we just wanted to stipulate that if a company decides to sue us then good luck with that as we have around 18p between us, so see you in court you wankers.
Sneak preview of our first blog post “If Fizzy Drinks Were People”……
Coca-Cola
Coca-Cola lives on a council estate and that is no bad thing because they’re a man of the people. They’re loud, brash and in your face.
They wear their jeans too tight, they still wear Reebok Classic trainers and they have a chippy tea every Friday night. They can often be found down the pub where their mates dare them to do stupid things and of course being the crowd pleaser they are they will happily eat the chalk from the pool table to earn a free pint of beer, they also once swallowed three drawing pins just for #bantz.
They have a ‘Your Name’ tattoo on their arse and just love showing it to everyone. They have 6,980 Facebook friends and only actually know 11 of them. They constantly post LADbible memes and ‘like’ conspiracy theories.
They stay up until 3am every night watching re-runs of Fonejacker and their comedy idol is Avid Merrion. They applied for Sun, Sea and Suspicious parents and didn’t get passed the first round, they tell people they got rejected because they are ‘too mental’. They once slept with 21 people during a week long holiday in Magaluf because they just can’t say no.
People say they like them but they aren’t sure why as whenever their paths cross they are always left deflated and disappointed.
That should give you a good idea on what the content of this blog is going to be like, we'd love for you to tell your friends, family, pets and bus driver about it! Our first full and proper blog post will follow shortly.
